In a bold move that has revolutionized the already chaotic world of online discourse, leading social media giant Chirper has introduced a new feature allowing users to argue directly with themselves. Dubbed “AutoDebate”, the feature enables users to create a second account under a pseudonym, solely to engage in heated arguments with their original account—because if there’s one thing people needed more of, it’s arguing... but with themselves.
CEO of Chirper, Blaine Smuggler, announced the groundbreaking feature at a press conference, stating, “We noticed that people were spending hours on our platform arguing with strangers about everything from politics to whether pineapple belongs on pizza. And then we thought, ‘Why limit this rage? Why not give people the opportunity to fight with the person they truly know best—themselves?’”
The Future of Self-Loathing
The AutoDebate feature allows users to carefully curate their opposing alter ego to perfectly mirror the most insufferable internet personalities: the all-knowing, fact-checking, borderline-conspiracy-theorist they encounter every day. “You know that guy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone because he read one Wikipedia article? Now you can be him! Against yourself!” Smuggler enthused.
Users are already flocking to the feature, creating accounts like @TotallyRight87 and @DefinitelyWrong2024, where they can engage in endless back-and-forths about why they were never invited to their cousin’s wedding or how their new diet isn’t working because kale is part of the global lizard-people agenda.
One early adopter, Susan “RealFactsMatter” Jenkins, said, “I’ve been arguing with strangers on the internet for years, but it never felt personal enough. Now, I can wake up, look in the mirror, and say, ‘Susan, you’re wrong about literally everything,’ and then respond with a 10-tweet thread filled with statistics I made up. It’s cathartic.”
Sample Dialogues Already Trending:
@StrongOpinions93: “I just feel like pineapple on pizza is a crime against humanity.”
@PineappleForever77: “Well, I feel like YOU’RE a crime against humanity.”
@VaccineDebateSurvivor: “I’ve done my own research. I’m not going to trust Big Science.”
@TrustTheExperts23: “I’ve also done my own research. It's called Google, and you’re wrong.
@BestMomEver89: “I’m a great parent! My kids LOVE their iPads.”
@JudgyMom56: “Maybe because they haven’t seen your face in three years.”
No More Need for Strangers
One of the most appealing aspects of the AutoDebate feature is that users no longer need to rely on pesky strangers to validate their opinions. Instead, they can now scream into the void and the void screams back—but in a voice that sounds suspiciously like their own. “It’s a beautiful echo chamber,” says Todd ‘Always Right’ Michaels, who spent the first three hours after downloading the feature debating whether he really enjoys quinoa or if he’s just been lying to himself to seem healthy.
“I thought I liked quinoa, but then @QuinoaIsFake commented on my post, and now I’m not so sure,” Todd confided to himself in a DM.
More Features on the Way
Chirper has promised that this is just the beginning. “We’re working on an upgrade where your own past posts automatically pop up to contradict you, so you can experience the thrill of being proven wrong by yourself from five years ago,” Smuggler revealed. The working title for the update? “Past Me Was an Idiot, Too.”
They’re also beta testing an advanced algorithm that will periodically flag your own posts as “fake news”, leading you to question if you’re even real anymore. “Imagine arguing with yourself about whether or not you actually exist. It’s philosophical, it’s deep, it’s where social media was always meant to go,” said Smuggler.
Psychological Fallout? It’s Probably Fine
Some experts have raised concerns about the potential psychological impacts of a society constantly debating themselves online. “This could lead to mass identity crises, as people simultaneously realize they’re both smarter and dumber than they ever thought,” said Dr. Linda Reale, a clinical psychologist.
“But hey, who am I to argue?” she added, while logging into her newly created alter ego account @OverlyCautiousPsychDoc to tell herself to calm down.
Morning News Tonight will continue to monitor the situation, assuming we can stop arguing with ourselves about it. In the meantime, users everywhere can take comfort in knowing they’ll never have to wait for someone else to start a pointless argument online again—they can do it all by themselves, literally.
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