As Manhattan continues to serve as the frontline of the nation’s social and political battles, local Starbucks stores have emerged as unexpected winners in the chaos. The city, now divided into “Protestor Squares” and “Counter-Protestor Circles,” has seen its independent coffee shop culture drowned out by an overwhelming wave of frappuccino orders.
At a rally for climate change activists, baristas at the Times Square Starbucks reported an influx of orders for oat milk lattes and “No More Ice Caps” cold brews, specially branded for the occasion. Meanwhile, at a nearby counter-protest against the UN, attendees ordered extra-shot Americanos, declaring them "the most patriotic of all coffee drinks."
Starbucks executives, always ready to capitalize on the zeitgeist, have announced plans for themed drinks, including the "Espresso Justice" and the "Protestor's Pumpkin Spice Latte," both available at double the price, because, you know, New York.
Tourists caught in the crossfire of sign-waving activists and megaphone speeches reportedly expressed confusion as to whether the heated arguments outside were over world peace or whether a pumpkin spice latte should contain real pumpkin. At least one passerby described the scene as "peak New York."
As demonstrations continue, Wall Street insiders have upgraded Starbucks' stock to "Frappulously Profitable" amid a predicted surge in protest-inspired sales. Rumors of a Starbucks-branded riot shield—decorated in classic green—are also on the rise.
Experts predict the next rally will take place directly inside a Starbucks, forcing protesters to engage in battle over the last available seat by the window.
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